when holidays aren't so happy

Sitting around a Christmas tree, drinking hot chocolate, laughing and reminiscing on Christmases past, singing carols, celebrating each other's accomplishments, and truly enjoying each others' company. Opening gifts bought specifically with each person in mind but still remembering and celebrating the birth of Jesus as the only real reason for the season. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Too bad it doesn't exist, at least, not that I have ever seen or heard of. Actually it seems that the drama depicted in movies around holidays is still not anything compared to the crazy that is a real family on Christmas. We see pictures of families smiling wearing matching pajamas and kids playing with a living room full of new toys perfectly posed, we hear stories of fun traditions and games each family experiences, and we talk about our Christmas Eve tradition of going to church together and lighting candles as a family, but there are some parts that typically get left out of our advertised Christmas experience. 

Sometimes the parts that get left out can look like the chaos and confusion that went into the perfectly posed photo, the hours and frustration that went into putting the toys together Christmas Eve into early Christmas morning, the Dirty Santa game that caused tears. Or maybe it's the ride to your church Christmas service where the volume of arguing voices was so high that you wanted to turn around but you went into the service threatening to take back Christmas gifts if everyone did not look jolly. Maybe it's the hurt and emotions of a loved one who is not there for Christmas for the first time this year, or another year of hurt from a divorce that changed the holidays years ago, or another year of being disappointed because Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year and you are trying to convince yourself that you wouldn't rather it be just another day at the office. I get it, and honestly, I think more people get it than we may realize. 

Over the past few weeks I have had and heard many conversations about holiday plans and traditions and usually the plan itself sounds fun but the tone it is being told with implies another emotion. Happy families, sad families, dysfunctional families, distant families, and close families alike experience it, I have seen it with my own eyes. Everyone seems to think their family is dysfunctional and prove that they are more dysfunctional than yours, but no one wants to share the true stories of the holidays they will never forget for all the wrong reasons. Usually, the gifts have nothing to do with the memories. People typically forget what gifts they got last Christmas or the year before, and instead remember the experience of past holidays. You can probably think right now of a holiday that was different than others for either a good reason or a bad, and it was probably related to the people and circumstances that presented themselves that year. For example, you probably remember clearly the first Christmas after the divorce where you had to clear your schedule and have Christmas separately, or the first Christmas without your beloved family member there to celebrate with you, or maybe you remember your first Christmas with kids and how that changed everything about your plans and priorities. These things are atmospheres that we remember because of the people that created the experience by their presence or lack thereof. 

Why do holidays have to be so stressful?
Isn't Christmas supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year? 
Can't we all just get along and not have issues for one Christmas?
I have asked myself so many times these questions. 

Really, the reason we can't get along, why we have fights during dinner, why crying is often a part of the agenda for many people, etc. is because Christmas is the holiday that allowed our souls to be saved, and without it, every single day would be a literal hell on earth. In order to keep us from enjoying and celebrating the birth of our king, Jesus, the enemy uses a time made to bring us together to instead tear us apart. It's a force to be reckoned with, and although people are difficult (especially family sometimes), the difficulty comes with the pushback from the enemy of Christmas himself who would have done anything to keep Jesus from being born and now will do anything to make us forget to celebrate Him. Even Jesus, the only perfect human to ever walk the earth, had family drama and conflict. ("For even his own brothers did not believe in him." John 7:5). Why would we not expect for our families to be attacked in the Christmas season? Understanding that we are being opposed by an enemy sheds some light on our situations and hopefully allows us to see the enemy as the enemy and not the people we love so much but just cannot seem to get along with. Whether a believer in Jesus Christ or not- the enemy wants to distract the believers from celebrating Jesus and keep those who haven't found Jesus yet from seeing the significance in Christmas. Your family does not come to Christmas dinner hoping to leave hurt and crying for another year in a row, no one does, but that is the plan of the enemy. 

The only way to overcome the not-so-happy holidays is to choose to recognize and experience the joy of the season no matter what. We have to receive mercy, and extend grace. 

• Mercy: compassion or forgiveness toward someone whom it is within your power to punish or harm
• Grace: extending kindness toward someone unworthy of receiving it

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16

This Christmas, whether you have had a great day with family, are dreading your next few family gatherings, are sitting at home alone avoiding the hurt of past years, or had an unexpected conflict that left your family in tears, let's resist the schemes of the enemy together and choose to have joy simply because without Christmas we would have no hope. Although I have seen my fair share of not-so-merry Christmases, let's choose to receive the mercy God gave to us allowing us salvation from the sins we committed and did not deserve redemption from, and extend the grace of God to ourselves and our families in this season. When holidays aren't so happy, let's take the reigns back from the enemy of Christmas and place the focus on the savior who was born. Our enemy is not the family we have, our enemy is the stealer of joy who will do everything possible to make the best time of the year become the worst. Let's vow to not give him the satisfaction of taking it from us, no matter how difficult it may be. This Christmas, through the heartache, sadness, loneliness, hurt, and tears, let's hold tight to the promise of a coming Savior, who was born today in a manger many years ago, and who will wipe away every tear when the time comes. Although it may be impossible to make the holidays happy, let's choose joy today to the best of our ability and not forget the hope to come. Christmas in heaven will truly be the greatest celebration. 

Merry Christmas friends! 

a true legacy

With tear-filled eyes and a heavy heart, I sit down today to honor a legacy well-lived. I never knew it was possible to feel like such a part of a family that is not my own or to be so loved by people who have no biological connection to me. Although I have an amazing family of my own, this family has welcomed me as an additional child, and in this case, grandchild, and have loved me as their own for the last two years. I know her as "Grandma", some know her as Sharon, many know her as "mom", a few "sister", and many more things that she is to different people. She is a woman who lived her life as a great adventure and who loved every person she encountered along the way. She truly made me feel like her own granddaughter, and she often claimed me as her own. I know I could never truly be her favorite, but she sure made me feel like I was in the running. 

Sharon Horn possessed joy only the Lord can give. With joy she walked through good times and with joy she walked through the hardest times. I had the honor to meet her two years ago and to be in her life pretty closely for the last two years, and I cannot imagine it without her in it. I never thought that my best friend's grandmother could make the impact on me that she has. I have seen her walk through the weddings of both her daughter and granddaughter, the time and effort she gladly put into making their days the best possible, and the joy she received from seeing the joy of those closest to her. Everyone who knows Grandma knows that she was a force to be reckoned with and she passed that fighting spirit into her family as well. I have seen her fight for herself, her health, and her family, and I have seen her family pick up and fight so hard for her when she was too weak to do it on her own. Resilience carried her through her days, a strength and hope that comes only from her relationship with Jesus Christ. Even in her hardest days, her words were positive and she kept loving people. Her last few months on earth were difficult, and I was able to see and hear firsthand, but she kept pushing through, never missing the opportunity to give a hug to someone she loved. 

Although I have only known her for a few years, and do not have that lifelong connection to her that many have, today I am giving myself permission to grieve. I was under the impression that I needed to be strong for those hurting worse than me and for those in her family, but through a close friend, the Lord showed me that it would be unhealthy and dishonoring to the life of someone I loved to stay strong and brush off the loss simply for the sake of the people around me. So as I grieve today, and the days past and the days to come, about the life we will no longer get to experience on earth, I get to grieve differently than those without hope. I get to grieve with the hope of heaven and know that one day I will see Grandma again. 

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

Here's to the day we meet again, to the day she will meet her sweet great-grandchildren that she already loved so much although they have not yet joined us on earth, and to the day I can thank her for being an important part of my life, probably more than she realized (she helped create some of my favorite people!) Sharon Horn lived a life of legacy, making an impact in every place she traveled and every person she saw, she laughed hard, partied hard, and loved hard in every circumstance, and never gave up an opportunity to send "love and hugs".

Here's to Grandma, a life well-lived, and a joy only heaven itself can match. We will see you soon and miss you until then.

"the one where..."

I have been hanging out with some new friends lately- Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey. Yep, you know them too, and yes, I am writing about the TV show "Friends"- but hear me out. Lately for me, the idea of dreaming has seemed to jump out of every conversation. People dreaming of their futures, wanting to know how to dream bigger, truly understanding what dreams are and what they mean, and even literal dreams have been the forefront of many conversations. It almost feels like someone stuck a sign on my back that said "let's talk about dreams". I have been thinking and praying about this topic and trying to dream about what could be to come for my life, but also dealing with fear that my expectations and dreams would set me up for failure in the future if they don't come true. 

I have been working my way from the beginning of "Friends" for a few months now, and it seems everyone around me knows what is going to happen and wants me to know too. When it comes up I have to basically beg people not to tell me or talk about what will happen because I want to experience it with the characters and not have prior knowledge before any episode (disclaimer, I am still not finished yet so no spoilers here). You would think that if I am begging people not to tell me what happens in the end or even in the next episode of this fictional TV show, that I would also be content with not knowing the end of my story here on earth. You would think that I would be happy with living where I am in my current situation and be glad to live each day as it comes, to truly experience it in the moment. Let me say that is not the case at all. I want to know everything honestly. I want a written timeline from God about who I am and what I will be doing tomorrow, next year, in ten years, and even in fifty years. I want to watch my life as a movie before I live it.

Sometimes I find myself somewhere without the control of my own TV and Netflix, and I am almost afraid to watch the show that I am currently in the middle of because I do not want to give away any details. If you have seen it you know that even the one sentence episode description of "Friends" can sometimes give away something huge that is going to happen. I have been in hotels with it playing and just wanted to close my eyes and not look, or at a friends' house looking for the episode I am on afraid to read the descriptions, so afraid that I will give something away to myself. Refusing to skip around and watch different episodes until I completely finish every season straight through because I do not want to miss any small or large details. I cannot imagine skipping from season one to season five based on what I know now. It would not make sense and it would ruin my future viewing by tainting it with what is to come without context. 

God is challenging me to view my life in the same way. Never did I think that the Holy Spirit would speak to me through this, but he continues to surprise me. If I will not skip one twenty minute episode of this TV show, why would I ask God to let me see fifty years down the road of my own life without context? How boring would my life be now if I already knew when everything I am dreaming about would happen? If I already knew when I will become a wife, mom, grandmother, future jobs I will have, and situations I will walk through, what would be the point of trusting God with my future and the fun of trusting the process (although I would not always classify the process as "fun")? I am challenged to see each season of my life just as important as the next and the one before. My current season of working is just as important and exciting as my last season as a student, and will be just as exciting as whatever the next season God has for me if I let them be. Each episode of "Friends" where Joey tries out for another acting role is just as important as the episodes where weddings happen and babies are born (names left out in case there is anyone left besides me who has not finished them) and the overall story would be nothing without the episodes that seem unimportant. If I thought of each season of life as an episode, what would that look like? If you could classify your current situation and season of life in that way, what would it be called?

I want to challenge you, if you are like me, to think of it that way. As I look back on my life, I can see different "episodes" that defined me- both by big events and the ones that seemed insignificant at the time and maybe those that still do. For example, "the one where I got my first job", "the one where I learned to drive", "the one where I went to a small group the first time", or "the one where I went to community college" seem a little more insignificant than "the one where my parents divorced", "the one where I moved to Birmingham", "the one where I graduated college" or "the one where I started working full-time". Although the second set of "episodes" seem more defining, without my first job and learning how to drive I would not have been able to move to Birmingham or begin working full-time at a job I love. Without going to community college for a year, I would not have graduated college when or how I did. Without going to that small group, I would not have had the community and support or the connection to people or the church that carried me through the divorce. If the more significant episodes could have never happened without the seemingly insignificant ones, why would I ever wish to skip the ones that seem insignificant?

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)

As I write this post, I am in an in-between, seemingly insignificant episode of life. Working a job at a place I love, but waiting for the things I have been dreaming about for as long as I can remember and learning to dream bigger for my future. I am learning to trust that God has already planned out my next step, as well as, every step after it. I could see this episode as "the one where I work in an office Monday through Friday, occasionally hang out with friends, and go to way too many weddings and showers" or I could see it the way I believe I will see this season in the future, being...

"The one where I am learning to embrace the tension between contentment in the present and anticipation for the future by believing for more in day-to-day life even when it seems insignificant." 

I choose to see it as the second option.

why Serve Day is for me

A few years ago, some people I barely knew completely overwhelmed me with their willingness to serve my family. My parents had just gone through a divorce and it was time for the house we had lived in to be completely empty and clean, and it was far from it. I had joined a few small groups during my senior year of high school and the summer after, but had not really shared my needs or any details about the situation I was facing. I only went to be around people who were similar to me and who I could have fun with outside of my situation at home. I was living house-to-house, a week at my mom’s and a week at my dad’s, and my mom and I were trying to get the final things from the old house, but it was a lot more than we bargained for and the deadline was approaching quickly. After weeks of nightly trips to the old house, to the storage building and back, and cleaning things to get it ready for the final day, we were in over our heads. My small group started to notice the need and without asking for help, they began to fill it.

One Friday night, after mentioning to a handful of people the plan and getting past being embarrassed to let them see the current state of the house, I told my mom I was going to hang out with friends (almost not a lie?), took the storage building key, and took a trip over to the old house. Over 30 people showed up that night- cleaning supplies, lawn mowers, and vacuums, in hand, and cars to haul our belongings across town cleaned out and ready to go. Two small groups came together and brought their friends, and I met people that night I had not met before. Over 30 college students came out to someone’s house they had not met, with their own supplies and tools, with an attitude to serve on a Friday night in the summer and stayed until the job was done. I was completely overwhelmed, both with the amount of people that came and the amount of tasks we had to complete. My mom and I were planning to get up early the next day and finish everything by ourselves, we both knew that was an impossible task but did not have any other solutions, so we had to keep the plan. People worked outside, took over 10 trips to the storage building across town with all of our boxes and leftover items in their own cars, vacuumed every room, scrubbed the floors, baseboards, and bathrooms- every single thing that could be done to that house was done. It went from a nightmare of a project to a clean, empty moved-out of house in one night, and no one left until it was finished. As it got later more people showed up and people went and bought cleaning supplies, mops, brooms, and everything else you can imagine. We stayed until close to midnight, sweaty and smelling like cleaning products, and joined together at the end and they prayed over me and my family. A group of people, some I had never met and most who would never see the impact on my family, gathered together on a Friday night in Tuscaloosa to clean my house from top to bottom, inside and outside, just simply to bless me and to help me bless my mom. I cried that night as I went home, overwhelmed by the love I had been shown and trying to figure out how I could make myself look and smell like I did not just spend hours cleaning a house and instead was "hanging out with friends."

The next morning our alarms went off early and my mom reluctantly woke up and started getting the cleaning supplies together for the dreaded day that was ahead and the impossible task list that had to be completed. She was expecting a 12-16 hour straight day of cleaning and moving, probably into the early hours of the next morning. I remember waking up more excited than ever to wake up- helping her get the supplies ready knowing the surprise that was to come. We got our work clothes on, stopped to get breakfast on the way, and headed over to the house, mom with dread and myself with delight. We got there and I talked her into doing a walk through to make a list of tasks before unloading the car and getting to work. As we walked in I recorded her reaction, she and I both were shocked and completely amazed by what had happened in such a short amount of time and the fact that people came together to do something we were dreading, and they did it with a smile. It almost felt like a dream. She was confused at first, we kept walking through and she was shocked, and by the end of the walk through when she realized there was nothing left to do, I think we both may have been in tears. There is not a better feeling than blessing someone who is not able to return the blessing. The idea of a group of people she had never met coming together to do something this huge for her was shocking, and honestly, I was just as shocked, if not more. I had never seen an act of love like this from someone who did not know the person on the receiving end, yet still cared enough to do the dirty work.

Every year in July my church does what we call Serve Day, where we take one day and join with people all over the world and make a tangible difference in our communities with serve projects that usually look similar to the one I mentioned above. Serve Day is not my natural flow, mosquitoes think they are my best friend and the outdoors are not for me. Hard labor and cleaning up someone else’s house is not for me. Doing the chores and clean up I would like to have done at my house at someone else’s house is not for me.

But, if doing these things for someone can bring them the same joy that it brought to myself and my mom that day, then it is for me. If I get 100 mosquito bites and a killer sunburn while giving someone the blessing myself and my family were given that Saturday morning, then bring it on. If it takes me being uncomfortable to bring the same experience from that day to someone else, then being uncomfortable is for me.

If being the hands and feet of Jesus looks like Serve Day, then Serve Day is for me. 

If Serve Day is a stretch for you like it is for me, let us commit to making a difference together this Saturday that we will never see fully and let us be the reason someone has a story to tell about the blessing they received. Let us be challenged and ready to go out on Serve Day and change one life for the better, it just may bless us as much as it blesses them. 

"As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies- in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen." (1 Peter 4:10-11)

waiting room

Since the beginning of this year, a strange topic has come up in conversation more times than ever in my life combined- the topic of death row. Something I was not informed about, have now been informed about, and have been given some insights about life through that I couldn't have imagined. 

Maybe I am naive, but a few months ago I did not know that death row was a current reality. I definitely did not know that people in my own state have been sentenced to death and are awaiting their day of execution. In conversation, I learned this ugly truth and the process in which it takes place, and the knot in my stomach began to form. People were reading my emotions through my face the day I found out, and probably days after as I processed for myself the idea of being sentenced to death but to still be alive. I still cannot comprehend. 

Much to my surprise, death row continued to come up casually in many different forms. The knot grew tighter. How can someone continue to live knowing a date that their life will be terminated? How can your mind process naturally in the waiting? How can you live in the days leading up to your death when you are literally trapped in the waiting room?

"Now Jesus was going up to Jerusalem. On the way, he took the Twelve aside and said to them, 'We are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man will be delivered over to the chief priests and the teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death and will hand him over to the Gentiles to be mocked and flogged and crucified...'" (Matthew 20:17-19)

My heart hurt when I realized the reality of the week leading up to Easter Sunday for Jesus. In the Scripture above, Jesus told his best friends and family that they were going to Jerusalem and he was going to be killed, but they did not understand. Jesus walked and talked with them, knowing that he was walking to the place of his death, and yet, he was still present with them. How? I do not understand how Jesus could be on death row (yet without any sin) and still teaching and serving his disciples. He still was performing miracles, teaching lessons, and serving his disciples as he walked to his undeserving death and he was not mistaken, he knew exactly what he was headed for. On the last night before execution day, he got down on his knees and washed the feet of the people closest to him. I would imagine that the last thing I would want to do the night before the execution I knew was coming would be to wash the feet of the people with me. Not only did he wash the feet of his friends, but he washed the feet of the one he knew would betray him in the same form of servanthood. How did Jesus stay present while walking to his death?

Although I cannot relate to the feeling of being sentenced to death row, I am in a few parts of life that fall in stages of the "in-between". I seem to be in the middle of transitions, in the middle of changes, and on the way to good things but not quite there yet in many areas of my life. Quite honestly, this falls in the workplace, in my family, in tasks and in relationships where I feel like I am stuck in the waiting room. What does this mean for me? I feel like the Lord gave me a profoundly simple phrase to change the course of my days, weeks, and even years after thinking about this idea and digging into the significance of death row for me:
While I am waiting for my dreams to come true, life is unfolding in front of me. If Jesus was present in his walk to a wrongful death, how much more present should I be walking into his promises?

I am not on death row, but I am in a season of waiting. Honestly, every season of life is a season of waiting, just some more than others. If I am not waiting for a specific opportunity or thing to happen, ultimately I am waiting for the day when I step into eternity with Jesus. Some part of every season for all of us can make us feel stuck in the waiting room (one of my least favorite places to be). I feel like I am being challenged to not sit and wait for my name to be called, theoretically speaking, but to be present in the waiting room. I am challenged to talk to the people who are waiting with me, to pick up a magazine and learn something about someone or something, and to fill out the paperwork ahead of time. This will allow me to be prepared for when they call my name, although I do not know how long it will be, simply because I trust it is coming. Although I do not know how long it will take for my prayers to be answered and my time of waiting to be over, I do know that the promise is good and the time is coming when the waiting will be over and the promises fulfilled. I pray that it will be said of me when the prayers are answered and the promises fulfilled, that I was present in the waiting and did not waste the time I was given there. 

Enjoy the present & trust the promise.  

"It was so bad we didn't think we were going to make it. We felt like we'd been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally..." (2 Corinthians 1:8-10 MSG)

Referenced messages:
"Sacred Moments" series- Dino Rizzo, Church of the Highlands
https://www.churchofthehighlands.com/media/series/sacred-moments
"The Now but Not Yet"- Andi Andrew 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-ZXNqSG7Ek