a true legacy

With tear-filled eyes and a heavy heart, I sit down today to honor a legacy well-lived. I never knew it was possible to feel like such a part of a family that is not my own or to be so loved by people who have no biological connection to me. Although I have an amazing family of my own, this family has welcomed me as an additional child, and in this case, grandchild, and have loved me as their own for the last two years. I know her as "Grandma", some know her as Sharon, many know her as "mom", a few "sister", and many more things that she is to different people. She is a woman who lived her life as a great adventure and who loved every person she encountered along the way. She truly made me feel like her own granddaughter, and she often claimed me as her own. I know I could never truly be her favorite, but she sure made me feel like I was in the running. 

Sharon Horn possessed joy only the Lord can give. With joy she walked through good times and with joy she walked through the hardest times. I had the honor to meet her two years ago and to be in her life pretty closely for the last two years, and I cannot imagine it without her in it. I never thought that my best friend's grandmother could make the impact on me that she has. I have seen her walk through the weddings of both her daughter and granddaughter, the time and effort she gladly put into making their days the best possible, and the joy she received from seeing the joy of those closest to her. Everyone who knows Grandma knows that she was a force to be reckoned with and she passed that fighting spirit into her family as well. I have seen her fight for herself, her health, and her family, and I have seen her family pick up and fight so hard for her when she was too weak to do it on her own. Resilience carried her through her days, a strength and hope that comes only from her relationship with Jesus Christ. Even in her hardest days, her words were positive and she kept loving people. Her last few months on earth were difficult, and I was able to see and hear firsthand, but she kept pushing through, never missing the opportunity to give a hug to someone she loved. 

Although I have only known her for a few years, and do not have that lifelong connection to her that many have, today I am giving myself permission to grieve. I was under the impression that I needed to be strong for those hurting worse than me and for those in her family, but through a close friend, the Lord showed me that it would be unhealthy and dishonoring to the life of someone I loved to stay strong and brush off the loss simply for the sake of the people around me. So as I grieve today, and the days past and the days to come, about the life we will no longer get to experience on earth, I get to grieve differently than those without hope. I get to grieve with the hope of heaven and know that one day I will see Grandma again. 

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

Here's to the day we meet again, to the day she will meet her sweet great-grandchildren that she already loved so much although they have not yet joined us on earth, and to the day I can thank her for being an important part of my life, probably more than she realized (she helped create some of my favorite people!) Sharon Horn lived a life of legacy, making an impact in every place she traveled and every person she saw, she laughed hard, partied hard, and loved hard in every circumstance, and never gave up an opportunity to send "love and hugs".

Here's to Grandma, a life well-lived, and a joy only heaven itself can match. We will see you soon and miss you until then.

"the one where..."

I have been hanging out with some new friends lately- Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey. Yep, you know them too, and yes, I am writing about the TV show "Friends"- but hear me out. Lately for me, the idea of dreaming has seemed to jump out of every conversation. People dreaming of their futures, wanting to know how to dream bigger, truly understanding what dreams are and what they mean, and even literal dreams have been the forefront of many conversations. It almost feels like someone stuck a sign on my back that said "let's talk about dreams". I have been thinking and praying about this topic and trying to dream about what could be to come for my life, but also dealing with fear that my expectations and dreams would set me up for failure in the future if they don't come true. 

I have been working my way from the beginning of "Friends" for a few months now, and it seems everyone around me knows what is going to happen and wants me to know too. When it comes up I have to basically beg people not to tell me or talk about what will happen because I want to experience it with the characters and not have prior knowledge before any episode (disclaimer, I am still not finished yet so no spoilers here). You would think that if I am begging people not to tell me what happens in the end or even in the next episode of this fictional TV show, that I would also be content with not knowing the end of my story here on earth. You would think that I would be happy with living where I am in my current situation and be glad to live each day as it comes, to truly experience it in the moment. Let me say that is not the case at all. I want to know everything honestly. I want a written timeline from God about who I am and what I will be doing tomorrow, next year, in ten years, and even in fifty years. I want to watch my life as a movie before I live it.

Sometimes I find myself somewhere without the control of my own TV and Netflix, and I am almost afraid to watch the show that I am currently in the middle of because I do not want to give away any details. If you have seen it you know that even the one sentence episode description of "Friends" can sometimes give away something huge that is going to happen. I have been in hotels with it playing and just wanted to close my eyes and not look, or at a friends' house looking for the episode I am on afraid to read the descriptions, so afraid that I will give something away to myself. Refusing to skip around and watch different episodes until I completely finish every season straight through because I do not want to miss any small or large details. I cannot imagine skipping from season one to season five based on what I know now. It would not make sense and it would ruin my future viewing by tainting it with what is to come without context. 

God is challenging me to view my life in the same way. Never did I think that the Holy Spirit would speak to me through this, but he continues to surprise me. If I will not skip one twenty minute episode of this TV show, why would I ask God to let me see fifty years down the road of my own life without context? How boring would my life be now if I already knew when everything I am dreaming about would happen? If I already knew when I will become a wife, mom, grandmother, future jobs I will have, and situations I will walk through, what would be the point of trusting God with my future and the fun of trusting the process (although I would not always classify the process as "fun")? I am challenged to see each season of my life just as important as the next and the one before. My current season of working is just as important and exciting as my last season as a student, and will be just as exciting as whatever the next season God has for me if I let them be. Each episode of "Friends" where Joey tries out for another acting role is just as important as the episodes where weddings happen and babies are born (names left out in case there is anyone left besides me who has not finished them) and the overall story would be nothing without the episodes that seem unimportant. If I thought of each season of life as an episode, what would that look like? If you could classify your current situation and season of life in that way, what would it be called?

I want to challenge you, if you are like me, to think of it that way. As I look back on my life, I can see different "episodes" that defined me- both by big events and the ones that seemed insignificant at the time and maybe those that still do. For example, "the one where I got my first job", "the one where I learned to drive", "the one where I went to a small group the first time", or "the one where I went to community college" seem a little more insignificant than "the one where my parents divorced", "the one where I moved to Birmingham", "the one where I graduated college" or "the one where I started working full-time". Although the second set of "episodes" seem more defining, without my first job and learning how to drive I would not have been able to move to Birmingham or begin working full-time at a job I love. Without going to community college for a year, I would not have graduated college when or how I did. Without going to that small group, I would not have had the community and support or the connection to people or the church that carried me through the divorce. If the more significant episodes could have never happened without the seemingly insignificant ones, why would I ever wish to skip the ones that seem insignificant?

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)

As I write this post, I am in an in-between, seemingly insignificant episode of life. Working a job at a place I love, but waiting for the things I have been dreaming about for as long as I can remember and learning to dream bigger for my future. I am learning to trust that God has already planned out my next step, as well as, every step after it. I could see this episode as "the one where I work in an office Monday through Friday, occasionally hang out with friends, and go to way too many weddings and showers" or I could see it the way I believe I will see this season in the future, being...

"The one where I am learning to embrace the tension between contentment in the present and anticipation for the future by believing for more in day-to-day life even when it seems insignificant." 

I choose to see it as the second option.